A Baker's 6-Pack Of Plays (7-10 Minute plays) Read online

  *****

  RING, RING - THE PLAY

  CAST:

  - GEORGE, age 50+

  - MILDRED, age 50+

  - MALE VOICE 1 (grumpy, middle aged, voice only by phone)

  - MALE VOICE 2 (any age, voice only, by phone)

  - FEMALE VOICE 1 (elderly sounding, voice only, by phone)

  LOCATION: lounge

  PROPS: telephone on table, 2 lounge chairs with coffee table

  TIME OF DAY: 9:30 AM – 10:00 AM

  ----------

  (The phone rings. GEORGE puts down his book and picks up the phone.)

  GEORGE. Hello.

  MALE VOICE 1. Is that the Medical Centre?

  GEORGE. No. You’ve got the wrong number.

  (The phone clicks out. GEORGE puts it down and picks up his book again.)

  (The phone rings, GEORGE puts down his book and answers it.)

  GEORGE. Hello.

  MALE VOICE 1. Is that the Medical Centre?

  GEORGE. No. This is the George and Mildred Centre, so you’ve got the wrong number.

  MALE VOICE 1. No I haven’t, I dialed the Medical Centre number.

  GEORGE. I think you’ve dialed the last four numbers the wrong way round. You need 9898; you’ve dialed 8989.

  MALE VOICE 1. The line must be crossed.

  GEORGE. No. Only the numbers you dialed. Try 9898 and you’ll get them.

  (The line goes dead.)

  MILDRED. Who was that Darling?

  GEORGE. Just the usual Sweetie. Another wrong number for the Medical Centre. No apology.

  MILDRED. Why can’t people be more careful? Or at least polite? That’s about the fourth wrong number for the Doctors this morning?

  GEORGE. About that. I thought it used to happen most around the full moon. But, no. It just seems to be random. Sometimes just bad days.

  (The phone rings again. GEORGE still has the phone in his hand.)

  GEORGE. Hello.

  MALE VOICE 2. Is that the medical centre?

  GEORGE. You need 9898.

  MALE VOICE 2. Thanks. Sorry about that.

  (After a click, the line goes dead.)

  GEORGE. Nice to have a polite person.

  (The phone rings again.)

  GEORGE. Hello again.

  MALE VOICE 1. Why isn’t that the Medical Centre?

  GEORGE. Probably would be if you dialed 9898 instead of 8989. So try 9898.

  MALE VOICE 1. But I pressed redial and the line was busy. That’s meant to be the Medical Centre.

  GEORGE. Not if you pressed the wrong numbers to begin with.

  MALE VOICE 1. How come you’ve got the number for the Centre?

  GEORGE. I haven’t. We get a lot of wrong miss-dialed numbers for them. So please try 9898. That’s the number for the Medical Centre.

  MALE VOICE 1. That’s what I dialed.

  GEORGE. No you didn’t.

  (The line clicks out.)

  GEORGE. The rude person again, Sweetie.

  (The phone rings.)

  GEORGE. (using an accent to disguise his voice.)

  Hello. This is NOT the Medical Centre. Who would you like to speak to?

  MALE VOICE 1. At last. I knew I was right. Can I make an appointment for this morning?

  GEORGE. If you wish. Anyone in particular you want to see?

  MALE VOICE 1. No, it’s not urgent.

  GEORGE. Well, in that case, come in straight away. Ask the nurse to do an ear check. That might solve many of the other problems as well.

  MALE VOICE 1. O.K.

  (The phone line goes dead.)

  MILDRED. Same one? There’s been a lot this morning.

  GEORGE. Yes Dear. Mostly from the same rude person. No manners.

  (Ring, ring. Ring, ring.)

  GEORGE. Hello.

  FEMALE VOICE. Is Dr Brandenberg available this morning?

  GEORGE. I don’t know. You’ll have to ring the Medical Centre at 9898 to find out.

  FEMALE VOICE. Because, I really need to see him about the pains in my legs. It’s something worse than the stomach thingy I had. He’s been treating me for that, you know. I still haven’t fully recovered.

  GEORGE. Have you tried phoning 9898 for an appointment instead of 8989? You do know you’ve got the wrong number?

  FEMALE VOICE. I don’t really mind what time I see him, as long as it’s this morning. I have a bad heart too you see.

  GEORGE. I see, perhaps you should pop in as soon as you can, first thing this morning.

  FEMALE VOICE. Lovely, I’ll do that.

  GEORGE. Ask the nurse to do a full hearing check of your ears too.

  FEMALE VOICE. If you think so. I will. Thank you very much. Goodbye.

  GEORGE. Goodbye.

  MILDRED (walks into the room and is looking daggers at George. She is shaking her head in disbelief.)

  MILDRED. You know you could get into trouble for doing that.

  GEORGE. How? I’m not holding out that I’m a medical practitioner.

  MILDRED. No, but telling people to get their ears checked is wrong.

  GEORGE. Well, you’ve answered the phone before; most of them don’t listen when you tell them they’ve got the wrong number.

  MILDRED. I know, but the Medical Centre must get fed up with people just turning up, claiming they’ve got appointments; and wonder why everyone wants their ears checked. Just leave the answer-phone on.

  GEORGE. What? And miss my once in a life-time chance of an important call from the Prime Minister; or the President of the USA, seeking my advice. Not my damn fault they won’t listen.

  MILDRED. You’re a bloody idiot. A child’s brain in a man’s body.

  MILDRED (gives George the one-fingered sign as she turns and leaves the room.)

  GEORGE. I love you too Sweetie. What about coming to bed for a cuddle?

  MILDRED. You’ve got no chance.

  GEORGE. You never want any slap and tickle these days.

  MILDRED. You think so? I’m not against it. It’s just that your timing is wrong.

  GEORGE. How can I improve my timing?

  MILDRED. Maybe you should ring me and make an appointment.

  GEORGE. Am I hearing this right?

  MILDRED. That’s what I said. Go and get your ears checked too.

  GEORGE. Well then, while you’re in the kitchen, a coffee would be nice.

  MILDRED. (from offstage) Now; hear this. Get it yourself!

  END